This is exactly what I believe. Very hard to do. I mourned the loss of my faith like I mourned the loss of my father at 18. I was in a deep depression for one year. And then anger set in. Just like with my father. I was angry at God for allowing Christianity to get so messed up and making it impossible to find out what He actually wanted me to believe about Jesus and the Bible and Salvation etc. I was angry at all the self-assured teachers who proclaimed with absolute confidence that their way was God’s way, yet with only a little bit of study into Church history I could see this was false. I was angry with myself for having wasted so many good years on what seemed to ultimately be such a fruitless task.
It has been a long hard road out, but I wouldn’t have it any other way now. I also see how much fear and paranoia was holding me down. Fear and Paranoia that was a direct result of my faith and belief.
I know it’s not like that for everyone, but I do think in general that believers live in a make-believe world of spooks and demons and evil forces that are constantly trying to get them and their families.
I tried so hard to be theologically sound and morally upright. I tried to share my faith and show the world that I had the joy of the Lord.
And I’ve heard all of the stupid pat answers to my problems in this regard. “It’s not “do”, it’s “done””. Yet it was Fanny Crosby’s hymn that always spoke to me most “Trust and obey, for there’s no other way”.
I’ve seen so many men I looked up to as spiritual giants fall. I’ve tried to be that giant but was too honest with myself to pretend or lie to myself. I have never seen a saint (except perhaps my wife). All I have seen is talk. Theories and dogma. I have witnessed phenomena I cannot easily explain in natural terms, but I know enough about Christianity at this stage to doubt that it offers the true interpretation of these events. And by extension I doubt that any organized religion actually offers the true answers to such things as miracles and answered prayer.
So I keep searching. Infusing new meaning into my life. Looking for better ways to understand things. I have shaken off the dogma that was holding me down. Christianity has failed to provide the answers I seek. That was hard to admit, but honesty and sanity forces me to do it.
A book I read recently that has really helped is Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. He was a Jewish Holocaust survivor who developed a treatment called Logotherapy. He basically taught that man lives as long as he can find meaning in his life. Christians find this meaning in their god, but then confuse and attribute this new found meaning and the psychological assurance it brings with the Holy Spirit.